How not to be a Harasser

We think sexual harassment needs to be addressed as an additional way our Willpwr⁺ se app can help you. Sexual harrassment is not the same thing as sexual excess, but it’s a close cousin. If you have a sexual excess problem, you are probably over-investing your time and attention to sexual issues, and it wouldn’t be surprising that sexual thoughts and innuendos might be creeping into your daily activities at work or school, sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously. Even if that is not the case, it couldn’t hurt to be reminded about how to interact with colleagues and friends in ways that do not cause them to feel uncomfortable in your presence.

There’s been some research done about sexual harassment training, and perhaps you’ve already had some kind of harassment sensitivity training if you are employed in a medium-to-large firm or if you are in a school or university where this has been addressed. Interestingly, as reported by Lorraine Sorlet in a NY Times article (https://www.nytimes.com/2017/12/11/upshot/sexual-harassment-workplace-prevention-effective.html), guys who are quite macho, that is, guys who equate masculinity with power, are the least likely to benefit from traditional harassment training, even though they are usually most in need of such training. Closely related is that if the training labels people as “harassers” and “victims”, lots of people receiving the training end up feeling the presentation was a waste of time because they didn’t think of themselves in those terms.

So, let’s try to avoid all of that and give some clear guidelines about your conduct around your peers, colleagues, employees, etc. to make it totally clear that you are not messing up in this area.

Sexual harassment is defined by the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission as follows:

• It is unlawful to harass a person (an applicant or employee) because of that person’s sex. Harassment can include “sexual harassment” or unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature.

• Harassment does not have to be of a sexual nature, however, and can include offensive remarks about a person’s sex. For example, it is illegal to harass a woman by making offensive comments about women in general.

• Both victim and the harasser can be either a woman or a man, and the victim and harasser can be the same sex.

• Although the law doesn’t prohibit simple teasing, offhand comments, or isolated incidents that are not very serious, harassment is illegal when it is so frequent or severe that it creates a hostile or offensive work environment or when it results in an adverse employment decision (such as the victim being fired or demoted).

• The harasser can be the victim's supervisor, a supervisor in another area, a co-worker, or someone who is not an employee of the employer, such as a client or customer.

Now, remember, most people found guilty of sexual harassment deny to themselves as well as to others that they have done anything wrong at all! So just reading this definition is probably not going to have much of an effect on anybody.

Here’s what we suggest in order for you to avoid all aspects of sexual harassment conduct or allegations of being a sexual harasser:

1. Talk to men and women in exactly the same manner -- respectfully, without reference to their appearance or their status.
2. Avoid any kind of flirting. If you’ve ever watched episodes of Criminal Minds and you’ve seen Derek (Shemar Moore) call Penelope (Kirsten Vangsness) “baby doll” then you know what NOT to do. Did you ever see Derek call Hotch or Jason baby doll? Didn’t think so.
3. No dirty jokes, no touching, no discussions or questions about sex, dating, or anything of an intimate nature.
4. No use of racy websites or discussions of your or anybody else’s sex life.
5. Avoid giving gifts or displays of favoritism that are in any way outside normal conduct in the office for other workers.
6. Do speak up if peers are being inappropriate. Tell them you aren’t cool with that and that it shouldn’t be part of your work environment.
7. If you are even remotely attracted sexually to a person in your office, you might stand closer, sit closer, spend more time with, casually touch, or speak in ways that are clearly different from how you engage with those you are not attracted to. Get your antennas tuned to your own behavior and feelings and pull back to the neutral line.

If this all sounds like no fun at all or stogy, stupid advice, then you are not dealing with the reality of the 21st century or you might already be on the edge of being inappropriate if not over it. Flirting and joking around used to be part of the culture. Now, it’s clearly a pathway to being fired, being sued, or worse.

However, if you really like a workmate, and you are available (not married, in a relationship, etc), are not in any form of power relationship with that person at work or school, and you want a personal relationship with them, check your employee manual first. If initiating a personal relationship is permitted and you are following the rules, then make a clear request to explore a personal relationship with the person when you are not at work. If that’s not ok with the other person, totally accept that decision. Repeated attempts to establish a relationship is harassment! But, if an invitation is accepted, proceed with caution because the old saw about not having a relationship at work is based on solid advice in most cases. To avoid all aspects of harassment, you’ve got to have really clear communication, absolutely no power relationship where either of you feel compelled to be in a personal relationship, and continued communication to make sure that the relationship doesn’t backfire and become harassment at a later date.

Here’s a link to a federal guideline regarding harassment for employees working at the U.S. State department. We looked for one specifically issued by the White House, but couldn't find such a document! So this is the best we could do!
https://www.state.gov/s/ocr/c14800.htm