Betrayal and Recovery

The aftermath of having a sexual excess issue, a so-called "sexual addiction" of some form (serial affairs, visiting prostitutes, and sometimes repeated and dependent porn viewing are examples) affects your partner at least as much as you. This post assumes you still have a partner, that s/he knows about your problem and that you have had past discussions, or more accurately, fights, about it. Chances are you’ve had some pretty horrible interactions about your negative habits. Here’s a guide for both of you about steps you can take to improve your relationship. First, however, you both need to know the following:

1. No matter how tolerant or understanding a partner was initially about porn or other excesses, eventually partners feel hurt, angry, and betrayed when confronted by your inability or refusal to change. And if this isn’t the first round of giving assurances that you’ll quit, it just makes matters worse.

2. Feelings of betrayal are extremely rough. They include intense anger, panic, uncertainty, sorrow, loss, and a collapse of trust in you and in the relationship.

3. Sexual problems are very difficult to talk about with others, and there’s a lot of shame about this topic, so your partner is probably suffering without having any social support, making matters even worse.

4. It takes a long time for trust to be re-built. A very long time.

5. You, on the other hand, are taking steps to end your negative habit, so you are looking for approval and forgiveness as soon as possible.

6. You are also most likely not thinking that your actions justified your partner’s sense of betrayal. In fact, you’ve probably told yourself and your partner that your actions were not that big a deal. Turns out you were wrong.

7. You are also most likely underestimating just how hard it is to really end a sexual addiction. Your partner is most likely also underestimating what it takes to bring this to an end.

In short, you and your partner are operating from totally different timeframes and with a huge impasse in understanding each other’s predicament. You are thinking in terms of days or weeks to get your relationship healed. Your partner is thinking months or even years before he/she can develop trust again.

Got it? In other words, most couples find themselves in really difficult waters and as you probably know, many don’t make it. But many do. Here’s what you can do:

1. Dump all forms of defensiveness and hostility. Your partner is raw with emotion and doesn’t trust you. Not only that, it’s going to stay that way longer than you think it should.
2. Betrayal has affected deeply how s/he feels and acts. Nobody likes being in their respective positions right now, so you have to be gentle, tolerant, and honest in all your interactions.
3. Take your recovery very seriously. Use our Willpwr-se app to the best of your ability and get additional help. Join a support group, see a therapist or get pastoral counseling, get an industrial-strength filter on your computer and let your partner set the password. Take decisive actions to make the changes you need to make.
4. Include your partner in your recovery if possible. See if your partner wants support from a group or a therapist. Tell her what you are learning about your problem and yourself. Be honest about your struggles.
5. Be totally transparent. Your partner can never re-build trust if you are less than totally honest and open. There are even therapists who suggest that you take a lie-detector test every few months to help your partner develop trust. We don’t advocate that, but for some couples, it might be the only solution.
6. The absence of trust, yet the desire for security and continuation of the relationship, affects many partners in ways that have been called “co-dependency.” In short, the partner attempts to control your problem by monitoring you, keeping you on the shortest of leashes. While completely understandable, that’s not going to work. You both probably know that already. You need to be monitoring yourself and giving him/her all the information about your progress and obstacles that s/he wants to hear.
7. Make absolutely sure you do not blame your partner for your problem. Own your problem and fix it.
8. Make sacrifices. You might need to change jobs, or drop out of a social interest group or sports activity, depending on what happened. Do it.
9. For many couples, a negative sexual habit like porn, and certainly affairs or seeing prostitutes, has ruined your sex life as a couple. It’s a catch-22, but it needs a solution. See a couples therapist or get pastoral counseling from a person skilled in helping with this kind of problem. Use the Resources section of our Willpwr-se app for more ideas.

We’ve seen couples come out of this healthier and happier than they were before the problem developed in their relationship. We’ve also seen couples who could not overcome the damage that happened to their relationship. The key is that both parties need to truly want to repair their relationship and that they develop a shared view of how they want their relationship to be. That doesn’t mean returning to a previous status quo. It means making the relationship better than it ever was. Together.